To See The Sun
by eden alice
Summary: 'It was almost bizarre how much the new factory looked like the old one.' A short story about Carla struggling to move foward.


To See The Sun

It was almost bizarre how much the new factory looked like the old one. How it was new and yet still the same. Maybe she should have had the builders change the whole floor plan. It would be expensive and time consuming, not to mention a confirmation of her diva-ish reputation. But at least it might make her feel more at ease in her own office.

At first she had just been glad the damn building was whole again and they no longer had to operate out of some dark cave like room with broken windows. And with the noisy chatter of the staff and the drone of the machines for a moment it had all felt right, as if things were finally back to how they should be. Suddenly even sharing an office with Nick was just about tolerable.

But the elation was quick to ebb. She could not help but wonder if Paul would be surprised if he could witness all that she had achieved on her own. Liam would take it in his stride, she was quite certain, he would shake his head and laugh and maybe make a comment about her dramatic flare. Trevor had a scarily similar reaction but it did not leave her with the same sense of warmth that Liam used to. But she was okay with that, or she was resolved that she'd never experience anything like what she shared with her dead lover.

And it had been inevitable that lead to thoughts of him, the man she spent so long trying to forget because the wounds had yet to cauterise. But she had invited that man in to her bed and wore his ring upon her finger and now he was tangled into the tapestry of her memories like a black cancer. And even if her injuries had long healed and her business had risen from the ashes he was still very much with her. Like the ghost she wished Liam would be, a familiar presence always just behind her.

She keeps coming back. Maybe she is broken, damaged or maybe she was just a masochist, but she was still living in the same flat she had shared with both her dead husbands still owning the same factory she very nearly died inside. Maybe it is because she refuses to lose. She wants to believe that she can be glad the bastard was finally dead but she had already experienced far too much death and it did nothing to extinguish her own guilt.

She tries not to feel foolish when she switches on all the lights in the building so that the waiting night doesn't feel quite so dense. Alone again for the first time in the rebuilt factory and she could barely concentrate on the pile of paper work. She had put off being left alone for as long as possible but she had started to feel silly and decided to face her fear.

Only it was not working.

The breathless panic at being restrained and terrified was a memory so close to the surface that she had to remind herself she had to constantly remind herself she was safe. That she could not hear the madness in his voice or the smell of the fire.

And maybe she wasn't brave enough to do this anymore when she could bearly stop herself shaking. Trevor was trying his best to keep her together and she was grateful but he couldn't keep out the nightmares. She was growing so fond of the big soft bear of a man but the way she caught him looking at her sometimes was overwhelming. She could not handle another man thinking they loved her. Everyone who loved her always ended up dead.

Once again she could not have what she wanted; she could not let anyone try and help her, she could not escape the consequences of her sins. But mostly she wanted Liam. Wanted him to hold her in his solid arms and then maybe she could be okay.

But that was not possible and now she was all alone. There was a newly stashed bottle of whiskey in her bottom draw, it was an old habit and one of the few things she did not want to change. And the amber liquid is just the thing to calm her nerves. The alcohol dulled her nerves and pushed her memories further away. It warmed her body and made the world swim pleasantly with her every move.

And eventually she could drink enough that she could forget just how everything was still the same. She was still surrounded by the rubble and sometimes she forgets what sunlight feels like.


End file.
